


What's A Pirate To A Princess?

by amidtheflowers



Series: Darcyland April Fools Challenge [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 80s romance novels, April Fools Fic, Crack, F/M, Oral Sex, Smut, WinterShock - Freeform, bastardization of pirate and princess lore, no bears were harmed in making this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 16:17:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10517334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amidtheflowers/pseuds/amidtheflowers
Summary: After all, what harm ever came from reading a book? It could be worse. She could've set an undead Mummy upon Egypt. But did she do that? Nope. She just read a book...a dirty, sexy, book.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is Part One of the Darcyland April Fools Smut Challenge! I'm planning on doing all ten challenges, fingers crossed. Day One's challenge is **Crazy Euphemisms** , and let me tell you: I GOT THEM ALL. Every single one. I even added one of my own. So, read at your discretion. This fic is utter fucking nonsense and should be taken as the crack it is ;) 
> 
> Enjoy! xx

 

Darcy waited a full minute, staring at the unbelievable sight currently hunched over her work bench, before saying, “Jane, what are you doing?”

Jane jolted violently, slamming closed the book in her hand and immediately toppling a stack of files over it. A slow, catlike smile spread on Darcy’s face as she ticked up her eyebrow as Jane cleared her throat.

“Nothing! Just sitting, waiting for you. Did you bring coffee? I see no coffee. That’s alright, I’ll brew some for us—you want hazelnut or mountain brew?” Jane smiled up at Darcy. Darcy pointedly stared at the pile of disheveled files cloaking the book Jane had been reading. A book with a half-clothed couple on the cover. “You’re wondering about the book I was reading a while ago.”

“You mean twenty seconds ago?”

Jane cleared her throat loudly, quickly shuffling the files and scooping them up, discreetly grabbing the book underneath. “It’s nothing, really—actually it’s very boring, you know that book on kookaburras Dr. Banner has been recommending? Let me tell you, it is _dry_. Like uncooked oats. Or stale bread. Or my cooking, you know I made a terrible pot roast the other night, and really, kookaburras are better off with some other mission in life than making…dry books.”

“You okay holding all that? I think a file is slipping,” Darcy stepped forward, and Jane immediately stepped back. Despite the files most definitely, precariously slipping in her arms.

“Nope, all good here!” Jane grinned, just shy of maniacal. “Darcy, would you mind getting the spectrophotometer from the stock room?”

“Not your intern,” Darcy reminded cheerfully, “let me give you a hand with that, though—”

“It’s _fine_ —”

“Hold still, damn it—”

“ _I said it’s fine_ —”

Darcy snatched half the files on the top of the stack and the book hidden underneath in one fell swipe, grinning in triumph as she sidestepped Jane’s lunge. Dumping the files on the table, Darcy’s gazed wandered over the book cover, ignoring Jane’s huff of annoyance.

A cheshire grin spread on her lips. “These must be some very naughty kookaburras, Jane.” Darcy flipped open the book and skimmed through it, her eyes going wide. “Oh my god.”

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. Put it on the table when you’re done, I have work to do.” Jane’s voice was hard as she returned her attention to the files, sorting them out on the table.

“Jane, I’m not laughing at you,” Darcy said, jumping to sit on the table Jane was working at. “There’s no shame in reading this stuff. I _am_ laughing at how you tried covering it up, though.”

“I had very little reaction time,” Jane sniffed, glancing up at Darcy warily. Her expression softened at the openness with which Darcy gazed at Jane. “Have you read these kind of books before?”

Darcy snorted. “Yeah, when I was fifteen. I’m surprised you’re into romance novels, though. How did I not know this?”

Jane sighed. “It’s not…I just started a few weeks ago, okay? Being in a long distance relationship sucks and sometimes reading a dirty book is fun. Don’t you ever feel like that when Bucky’s away on a mission?”

“Sure I do. But the great thing about having a boyfriend on the same planet as you is there’s a lot of wiggle room for facetime. Dirty facetime.” Darcy winked, and Jane groaned.

“Ugh, you two are nauseating,” Jane grimaced, then added, “and by nauseating I mean adorable and I hope you two stick it out in the end. You’re good for each other.”

“Aww, Jane. That was so sweet. I’m reconsidering telling Nat about…” Darcy squinted. “‘ _The Rogue Pirate and the Captive Princess.’_ ”

Jane raised a brow. “Who do you think I got it from?”

When Darcy’s jaw dropped, Jane laughed. “Why don’t you hold onto that? I have a feeling you’ll like it.”

**-**

**-**

Darcy didn’t think she’d finish half the book in less than twenty-four hours. But she totally finished half the book in less than twenty-four hours.

It started as morbid fascination, transforming into nostalgic reminiscence of when she read sickeningly sweet romance novels in high school, in the solace of her bedroom with her door locked. It had felt naughty back then, and a little more than thrilling. Darcy remembered wanting to be that young, wealthy (or poor, or indebted, or traveling) woman whose life was upheaved by a rakish, dark, brooding man…and reliving those memories with a fresh set of eyes, now much older, was something else.

Mostly Darcy tried not to cringe at the terrible love lines. More often than not she failed. But somehow, _somehow,_ she got absorbed into it enough that she was not only avidly following the plot but was making unintelligible noises about it as Bucky made the bed for the night.

Darcy snorted loudly, and Bucky glanced up from the pillow he was fluffing. “What?”

Darcy lifted her nose from the book and looked up at Bucky. “Babe, if you ever try whacking your velvet encased steel along my quivering honeypot, I will end you.”

Bucky stared at Darcy before replying, “Well keep your quivering honeypot away from my velvety steel and we shouldn’t have a problem.”

Darcy cackled all the way under the covers, the book lying forgotten on the nightstand.

**-**

**-**

_Darcy leaned heavily against the banister, her bosoms heaving with emotion. She could feel him standing scant a few centimeters from her, his breath warm on her neck._

_“My lady,” he whispered, sending a shiver down her spine._

_“We mustn’t do this,” Darcy said, biting her lip as the Dread Pirate Barnes pressed his hips flush into the swell of her bottom, feeling the hardness of his manhood against her silk nightgown._

_“I have lost enough in the war,” he muttered, dropping a kiss to her neck before spinning Darcy around to face him. “I won’t lose you too.” She felt the cool metal of his left hook hand trace along her neck, down to the swell of her shuddering breasts. “And when we’re together like this, you call me Bucky.”_

_Using the hook and his hand, he slid the straps of her nightgown down her shoulders, letting the garment pool at her feet. Darcy felt the cool night air hit her skin and shivered, but Bucky pulled her in quickly for a passionate kiss, leaving her body tingling for more._

_Bucky lowered her to the soft bearskin rug by the crackling fire, shedding his britches and garments until he was bare before her, his engorged pleasure center standing proud. Darcy flushed deeply, swallowing hard as she took in his thickness and girth, imagining it moving inside her._

_“This is your first time, yes?” Bucky smiled down at her._

_Somewhere in the back of Darcy’s mind she meant to say no, she’s done this hundreds of times and a few hundred of those were with him, but then he ran his hook across Darcy’s cheek and she quickly forgot all of that, replying breathlessly, “Yes.”_

_Bucky’s smile turned wicked. “Let’s get you ready then, shall we? If my lady accepts.”_

_“She accepts. She so accepts,” Darcy breathed as Bucky lowered himself down her body, his shoulders between her thighs._

_With gentle fingers he parted the petals of her muff and gave a long lick, sending her back arching. She cried out, and Bucky pulled away to peer at her over her body._

_“Shh, doll. The ship’s crew will hear you. Gotta be real quiet…”_

_Liquid heat flowed through her, narrowing to where Bucky’s wicked tongue circled around her throbbing love button, shooting pleasure through her until her breaths rose higher and higher in pitch. She felt Bucky chuckle against her as he pushed not one, not two, but three whole fingers in her snooch and began stroking in and out._

_Darcy came on a choked cry, and in a flurry of movement his fingers were quickly replaced by Bucky’s rod of desire, pushing her orgasm into a series of tight shivers as he thrust into her deeply._

_“Oh, Bucky!” Darcy cried, gripping his shoulders as his wonderful, talented, throbbing honeystick pulsed inside her, pummeling her into the bearskin rug like she belonged there with him, their bodies slick with heat from the roaring fireplace, a monsoon now suddenly starting outside in the middle of the ocean, lightning streaking into the tiny cabin room as the fucked each other with breathless abandon—_

Darcy woke on a gasp, blinking rapidly at the dark ceiling. She turned her head to see Bucky still sleeping beside her, breathing evenly.

Darcy stared at the ceiling again, replaying her dream. “Jesus. The hell was that.” She wiped the sweat from her forehead, feeling more keyed up as the seconds ticked by.

Screw it.

Darcy rolled over to Bucky and was seconds from waking Bucky when he spoke, startling her, “Had a nice tumble with Pirate Barnes, then?” He peeled an eye open to look at her horrified expression. “You talk in your sleep. He did some very naughty things to you, Darcy. I’m jealous.”

Darcy’s expression smoothed out, giving him a challenging look. “He sure did, Bucky. Think you can top it?”

With a slight growl, Bucky rolled them over and kissed down her thighs.


End file.
